Great Expectations

All of us presumably have certain expectations - of our relationships, of other people, of our families and of life, in general, don't we?

my sis came up with this classic dialogue yesterday, as i moaned about my situation and nervousness. she said, only if you expect something will you be disappointed when that something doesn't happen. so if you stop expecting, you'll stop being disappointed. and when that something happens, it will take you by surprise, and you'll enjoy it more than you'd have ever imagines. sounds a little preachy, i know. but i couldn't help but wonder. she was just so right! everytime i feel heartbroken, it's mostly bcos i had expected things to happen in a certain fashion, be it my personal affairs or work related stuff. and when it doesn't work out the way i thought it should have, i feel all heartbroken and disappointed. so, may be if i stop expecting in the first place i wont be as miserable. hmm..

the other aspect of Great Expectations i was thinking about is the loads of expectations i've been made to ride on. all throughout my life. most of the expectations with respect my personal life are by my mom and her family. things like, it is expected of me to be thin, smart and respectful. so someday they can marry me off into a typical perfect family of their dreams. but these don't affect me so much. considering i never really cared so much about these things.

but what does affect is the mountain loads of expectations daddy has of me. that i'm this success machine, which can just about never fail. and everytime i do fail, i feel like i owe him. like i have wronged him in someway. the guilt is just too much to handle. i've tried talking to him about this a couple of times. but he just doesn't get it. it just gets worse. my high school results release day to last year's annual competition to this evening's disappointment in the voice. i can just hear the disapproving, how could you not win tone. the stress only worsens. if only he understood how exactly i felt about it!

why do we have to expect things from others? why do we expect that our children will live our dreams? why do we expect that things will always go the way we want them to? is it bcos we're all self obsessed people? is it bcos we lead lives of such unfulfilment? or is it just bcos we're plain human, and it is just second to human nature to expect?

Better days

... that's what i'm looking forward to. better days! where have all those bright sunny times gone? the days of a carefree spirit, giggling and gossipping away with no "worries"? i want those days back. pretty please?

the past couple of days have been very stressful for me. really high adrenalin levels. nightmares. sleeplessness. generally very anxious. and alas, it did not work out the way i wanted it to. this would have been a victory for me after what has been a really long time, but i guess God has other plans for me. fine, i shant complain. i have resigned myself to fate and destiny, and hopefully will end up well at the end of it all. but seriously, i need a win. soon.

joe was a darling yesterday. sometimes i can't figure out whether he's just being his normal self, or is he being that overly flirtatious guy i think he's being? hmmm... but he has a way of cheering me up and bringing a smile on my face when i need it the most. so there, hugs and flying kisses his way :)

things haven't been so good this week. it's lunar new year so a long weekend. let's hope the new year brings better times. the year of the dog had better be a good year ahead :)

Heartbroken again

Just at the time when I didnt need another heartbreak, there it came. bam! a dream i'd dreamt for a long time now, just got shattered. i have got to toughen up. it's not good to be so nice, they say. i'm just too heartbroken to say anything more.

These feelings won't go away.

Words from Sideways. The song by Citizen Cope. Heard on latest Scrubs episode soundtrack. How apt!

closure

i think i know the reason for my recent unreasonable mood swings and varying levels of depression. i think just like every relationship, every friendship and every story has a finite beginning, they all need endings. if i may say so, we need these endings to be happy endings, but that's a whole post for another day.

so, what i believe i really need is a solid closure. a finale, a final goodbye and a much awaited ending. what is really bothering me is the whole new possibility that arises with every encounter, the high hopes that this time it may translate to something, and finally the disappointment that it did not, after all. to think that i can be an escapist, and avoid the very possibility of an encounter is a wee bit stupid, since we all know that's not going to happen. the encounters will be almost inevitable. what i need is a proper ending, a way that this story can be closed. such that with the next encounter, nothing will be different. i will not feel the possibility of this encounter being anything more than what it really is. and the day i get such closure, i will snap out of this sine wave mood syndrome, i'm sure. and then, there'll be a new story, a fresh beginning and hopefully, a happier ending, this time round!

Nitey nitez

the calm and peace of the night, i can identify with. soft music, cuppa hot chocolate, interesting blogs to read and letting my mind wander off. perfect :)

frustrated

wrote two meaningless posts. couldn't bring myself to posting them though. so just deleted them, out of sheer frustration.

The nostalgia lane

Was in the delete mood. so was checking old mailboxes to clear out old stuff. and found mails written a couple of years back. of hopes, of disappointments, of friendships, of expectations, of betrayals, of let downs .. brought back flashes of all those times. some loving memories. and some dear dear people. emails from home. back then, when we were not msn freaks. when we didn't chat everyday. when we regularly exchanged emails. a weekend email from dad. and a one off senti email that mom'd write everytime she had those bouts-of-missing-me. and replies to my rants from my sis. the kid, she gave me such useful advice, i cant believe it. then of course, friends. emails from those who no longer keep in touch. emails from those whom i cant spend a day without talking to now. amazes me how i was so formal with them back then. and of course, i read emails. emails from joe. such adorable emails. almost as if i couldn't help falling in love with him all over again. i couldn't stop giggling at the cuteness of some his mails. the perfectness of it all. but then, i had to pull away. i stepped out of Nostalgia Lane back to reality. my present reality. and boy, reality bites. really!

Blah.

When everything seems to be going wrong and you're grumbling that life's all messed up, sometimes you don't want to hear that everything's going to be fine. infact, sometimes, you don't want to hear anything at all. so, please, don't tell me everything's going to be alright. cos i don't think so. everything's not going to be alright, get that?

Check this out ..

.. Google's Holiday logo list, right here .. I'm a complete google-maniac, and think its pretty awesome, don't you think so too?

Formulae - from a 12 year old :)

How to tell if a guy likes you:

1. The guy will be extremely nice to you.
2. He will tell you that you did something good, even when you did it horribly.
3. He might make fun of you.
4. He will want to be your best friend.
5. He might complement you on something normal like, your hair, even if you wear it that way everyday.
6. He will stick up for you.
7. He will start hanging out with your friends.
8. He will flirt with you.
9. He will call you for no good reason.
10. He will make eye contact with a serious look on his face.

How to tell if a girl likes you:

1. They always talk about the different kind of guys they could have.
2. They stare at you with a smile on their face and won't look away until you do first.
3. They always seem to be talking about how nice or cute you are.
4. They laugh at all your jokes, no matter how stupid they are.
5. They will ask you who you like, continuously.
6. They talk to your friends about you a lot.
7. They always are flirting with every other guy, except you.
8. They always try to make you jealous.
9. They beg you to do everything for them.
10. They always ask you what to do in a bad situation.

Ah, to receive this from a 12 year ol' kiddo .. and to find a lot of it is true! *sheepish look*

Melancholic moods

Dont ask why.

Just that.

8 am. she wakes up in disbelief. the alarm was to go off at 7, did it? without wasting a minute she rushes out. freshens up, takes a quick shower and gets out. trying her hardest not to get drenched in the pouring rain she chooses the semi-sheltered path to the coffee shop. packs a hot coffee, with just enough caffeine to wake her up fully. hops down to the closest bus stop. only to find she's just missed one. so there's a ten minute long dreamy stare into the rainy woods accross the street. she hears a rumbling, its her bus. quickly gets on praying the damn bus just hurries and takes her to her destination. fast. hops off at the destination, takes the elevator up. half drenched. terribly rushed. and then she meets him. a rush of mixed feelings. excitement. anger. joy. irritation. a pinch of sadness. a burst of happiness. all at the same time. but there is no time. she has to leave. and she did just that. left.

Fresh!

Yes. been a while since I bothered to redesign the page, although i've been thinking about it. so finally thought of giving it a fresher, new look, less depressing with the white background et al. I'm not highly artisty so couldn't snazz it up really, but just played around a l'il with the template with my limited html skills. and yeah, now i call it Karizma's Korner .. so, welcome aboard!

I need a break.

Yeah. and no, i don't mean, a few days with nothing to do (although that'd be nice too!). i mean a break from this place. a break from the routine faces i see. i need to get out. take a trip with some refreshingly new friends. and by take a trip, i don't mean hop on the next bus to johor. or for that matter HK. i need to get out. out of this region. may be auz. or europe. sounds like heaven. need to find new ppl to hang out with. ppl i connect with. ppl who think on the same frequency and have the same ideas of fun as i do. i'm not one of those backpacking adventurous types. rather be touristy and take a trip around the city. or drive by the alps. wow. that sounds awesome fun. if only i could afford such a trip. right now, its no longer about the affording the trip that makes it hard. its having the right company. mishty would be fun, but she's really not my type of a tourist. and she'll probably bore me and irritate me. so she's ruled out. sistah and family would be lovely. but i know we can't all afford such a break now. especially with them planning on visiting me next summer and all that. sigh. i cant really think of other people to go holidayin with. i believe it makes it pointless to go with people with whom you don't connect, cos you'll not quite have the kind of fun you'd really wanna have. so that makes it a wasted effort. a whole of money wasted for no good reason. and i certainly cant afford that kinda thing now. so i guess i'll have to wait for the right time, for the right people and when the bank balance signals a green.. till then, i guess itz gonna be more complaining and misery for me. sigh!

Raindrops on roses ..

.. yeah, not particularly upbeat. but the rain hasn't bogged my mood too much either. just plain bored. of having nothing to do. met a bunch of ppl fr lunch. which was nice considering i had spent almost the entire week having lunch all by myself. i'm a complete ppl's person, in the sense that i'm actually terrified of being alone. and yet somehow, more often than not, i end up being alone. telling myself that i actually enjoy the time i have for myself. reality is that i don't. i love company. i love having ppl to fuss over. and fussing over me. i love to endlessly chat and happily eat and drink and make merry. i love having family around when i'm happy or sad. i love having friends to be there when i think i need them the most. i love having people all around me. people, i care about, ppl who care about me. people i can truly call, my own people. havent had that lovely feeling in sometime now. and really miss my people. where are you all?

as i type this post, it strikes me. you know all those people i consider my people. that high school best friend and that aunt who baked yummy goodies? i have just become so distant. the physical distance has led to emotional distance, and may be, may be we don't connect the way we used to, after all. all those people whom i thought i can always fall bac on arent quite there for me any more. and its not their fault. it's not even mine. i guess over time, things have just changed. this was what was destined to happen. we were not meant to be! so there aren't too many of those people i can truly call my own, my people. damn.

as a teenage girl, my friends meant the world to me. even now, they do mean a lot. and my mom used to tell me, how in the long run, these people whom i claimed i wudden be able to live without would hardly matter in the big picture. how a day will come when these people will take a backseat and i'll be forced to move on (just as they will be too!) i somehow thought she was being pessimistic and refused to believe her. me and my usual stubborn ways. today as i type this, i have flashes of the times i spent with my old friends. high school crushes. silly telephone calls. fights over nothing. times of support. all this flashing before me. and much as i am thankful for having them in life at some point in time, all those ppl who meant my world are no longer that close to me any more. hell, i havent seen some of them since high school. and the ones i have seen, are not the same best buddy friends anymore. obviously things are different. so now, when i think about it, all these ppl who mean so much to me will be nobodies in my life may be a few years from now. cos we all have our own lives to get on with. yet somehow, it is just so hard to break away and say, they're not a part of your life anymore. so hard to snip off that memory. that so-called, possibly non existent bond of friendship...

forgive me for rambling, but was just furiously typing all the random thoughts that were passing my head as i hear the pitter patter of the rain drops. the rain has a way of taking me to moods i seldom like to be in.

random musings

have been up and about lately. the laziness does continue to dominate my life, although i've not been slacking, for a change. woke up at an unusual 7 am this morning, and amazed myself. things can change around here, now, really! i wonder if its my hanging out so much with mishty or just desparation in general, but these days i'm more or less always on the look out. surprisingly, i found that if u look carefully and try hard enough, it aint that hard to find cuties here and there. *boy! i sound like such a bimbo, someone whack me please* anywayz despite that, today all i could do is stare longingly at my fone, waiting for him to call and say he's back. i know that isn't gonna happen. but then, there's always hope. after all, what's life without hope?

deep down, i guess i haven't fully gotten over whatever had struck me for the last few years. geez. yes, it has been a few years now! and now, when i was almost sure its all done and over, why do i feel like i need more time to call it quits? why do i feel the need for a better closure? why do i feel like this needs a better ending? and why, why does the heart long for something it can never have? why do I miss something that was never mine in the first place?

p.s. the pathetic melodramatic postings have to end. i know, and i'm trying. really. till then, bear with me, dears!

~ Happy New Year 2006 ~

A brand new year's here. Wishing you all a Happy new year 2006! Here's to a great year ahead, with the best of health, wealth, happiness, success and cheer :)

~ The Regular update ~

Been the usual, lazy holiday state of mind. been chilling out, pretty much doing nothing for the last week or so. Christmas was no big deal, nothing out of the world special. New year's eve was out at Suntec with some friends. The mood picked up once we reached the riverside, and had a gala time. The waiter at the cafe did tick me off a l'il bit but with new year's spirit et al, i wasn't gonna let anyth bog me down .. so we had a kick ass time, just a bunch of us gals .. was good to spend new year's in a familiar crowd, a group of close knit friends, no pretentions no grouses :)

Jan 1st 2006 has been a lazy day. with the rain outside and lovely weather to just sit indoors and do nothing ~ plan to go to the temple sometime tmr. am trying to make it a regular feature of every new year celebration of mine.

soon after that, classes start and life's going to get back to the usual grind. this being the last semester around here (hopefully), i'm quite looking forward to it. friends, canteen, gossips and all that. i'm praying i'll be able to ace my grades at least this time, as a last attempt to salvage my soul.

these things apart, nothing new in my life. i'm still trying to get over Joe fully. was surprisingly upbeat at the new year's celebration yday, despite having no date or anything. sometimes hanging out with single gal pals really helps! we all toasted to better times and promised to try not to be single next time around ;) haha, lets wait and watch ..

once again, happy new year y'all ! have a blast out there .. adios ~