Loser.

bleah. i feel so damn loserly posting sob stories of tragic crushes i have on my blog. venting out frustrations here, not writing any 'interesting' pieces. aarrgghh. just so pathetic. but hell. who cares. after all, it is my blog. and i can post whatever the hell i want to in here. you can choose not to read, if you think i'm so pathetic. so if you don't like my venting, please dun bother to come back. go away. meanwhile, i will continue to rant about my sad existence =p

Awakened from the dream

the other evening i think i found out smth. smth quite devastating for me. i'm not yet completely sure of it all. but the possibility jolts me back to reality. it was a casual chat with friends when i found out Joe was prolly seeing someone. *baaaawl*. i always had my doubts. had confronted him a few times about it. and he'd totally denied it. but i think, this time i saw an admission, some kind of a confession. surprisingly, the revelation dint hit me so hard when i first found out. i could still sit thru an hour or so of chatting with 'em all, including Joe! after that i slowly headed back to my room and then, may be the silence, may be the thinking .. it finally struck me. he has moved on. that, assuming he was ever in that place! it was heart breaking. i wanted to cry, but there were no tears. i couldnt believe i made this mistake again. this time i was sure it was for real. i could not possibly have misread all those signals. he did obviously send 'em all out. or was i just imagining. i want to kick myself for putting myself out there to get hurt time and again! i dont blame him, cos he dint know where i was. but he definitely sent me those signals. why joe, why are you doing this? i was just so upset the whole night. almost cried myself to sleep. i'm just very very crushed right now. why did this have to happen. just when i thought things would work out fine. just when i was imagining and dreaming of that next step. this hurts so bad. the worst is he dint even say anything for sure. and the possibility is killing me. pls tell me. tell me this aint true. tell me everything's still fine, and make this work. pls!

Mad

yes.guessed right. its misty. #$!%&. was just trying to make some fun plans for the weekend.boy. she's so not fun. all ms boring can tink of is her work out routine.not like that's helping her in looking good or anything.i'm so pissed.we were supposed to go hang out with this other friend, meet for drinks at this club downtown friday night. but the bitch cancels plan now. i'm just furious. my friends r all gone for the vacation, so i have no choice now.this sucks. am meeting a couple of other random guys for dinner today. was so looking fwd to tmr. shit. i'm kinda resolved now, not to go watch the next movie she suggests. just to play bad bitch. she cant always have her way, can she? or may be the bitch has a way of getting her way always. for the dumass i am, i always cave in.what a total push over!

Random nothings

almost a week that i wrote.whew. report has been submitted. finally.yay! the weekend went off in a whiff. but was awesome. for one thing, it was a 3 day weekend here, cos of some budhist celebrations. next of course, was that i had absolutely nothing important or urgent to do. so spent good lot of time just whiling away doing nothing. i just love being lazy now, don't I? hehe..

despite my resolutions of not giving in to temptations and misty's requests of watching the Revenge of the Sith, I went and watched the Star wars movie o'er the weekend. boy, i'd be sooooo wrong had i not gone. two reasons - one, the movie was damn good .. couldnt take eyes off Anakin.. two, of course, met Joe =) yay! i can be such a baby when it comes to Joe. gloating like i conquered the moon. all we had time for was a hi-howz you conversation. *sigh*

anyway coming back to the movie... i've never been a star wars fan. not even sure of the storyline and details, though with all the hype, i did read a l'il bit on the news so had some clue what wud happen.. but really wasnt expecting too much. for one thing, many a friend told me that despite all the hype, star wars 1 and 2 were utter crap. total let down. so i wudnt be surprised if this one turned out like that too. so there we were watching this movie. i should say i was impressed. after all, there's only so much you can do for a movie with known start and a known ending! anakin ... *swoooon* .. natalie portman wud be a disappointment for the guys cos she's preggie fr mosta the movie, but she's kinda cute too .. all in all, i enjoyed the movie.. mebbe it helps to go into a movie with no expectations whatsoever!

then spent the resta weekend sitting around doing nothing.. tried my hands at some cooking... turned out fairly good.. besides was some usual coffee and cake outings.. only this time, there was no coffee, margaritas instead ;) .. before i knew it, the weekend was over and here i was, back at work.. trying to keep awake and be alive!

work's gotten dreadfully booooring. my official project is more or less done. but its very disheartening that no one is really using it yet. so they cant really tell me if its good enough or not.what a pity! after all the mad rush they put me thru. hmmmph. yeah a teeny weeny bit is left, but i have no inspiration to do it. esp now that the report and stuff is done, i dont feel like doing too much here. have been whiling away time on random blogs and some other comm related work.

talking of which, i'm awefully worried about my comm. everything is out of control. i have no clue what i should do to enforce any order and disciplined. may be going back to being horrible bitch is a good idea, except, what if it doesnt work? *sighs* this will be a terrible let down if things dun work out. god, pls let everything get sorted out. plssssss...

this morning i woke to the pitter-patter of the rain... some thundering and lightning storm as well.. may be a reflection of the last few stormy days.. or a reflection into the future, of a brewing storm, somewhere close by... almost approaching, waiting to hit me...

Confessions

I did something horrible last night. horrible. i don't what possessed me to do something like that. all i needed to do was ask. and i knew i wont be refused. i still went ahead and did it. i guess it was my insecurity. knowing i'm not good enough. so i needed something to fall back on. and this was the best time. but oh i feel terrible. worse, if i was ever found out! it will end this beautiful friendship in the worst ending ever. this time everything looked like it was clicking. would have been my first happy ending tale. but me. i have to go it and mess it all up. 3 days more and things would be different. but i have to go and ruin it all. temptations! aarrrggghh. the guilt is killing me. if you ever happen to read this, trust me. i'm so sorry about what i did. it was not meant to hurt you. and will definitely be never used against you. i'm just so sorry. i needed that to fall back on. and was way too embarrassed to ask. was afraid you might turn me down. though deep down may be you, being you, wouldnt. but i still went ahead and did this terribly sneaky thing. forgive me, please. guilty as shit.

hokay!

hokay me is back. not yet in the bitchin' mood. so all ya guys lookin for the hot flaring up will hafta wait. its another new monday morning. tdy i'm not really groaning so much. have tons of things to rush. weekend went off fine. gonna write about it, real crisp though. saturday was full of meetings, then just headed off to the coffee shop - hadnt been thr on friday, thanks to misty's random date with some random guy she barely knew. neway heck care abt that. sunday was okay, saw / briefly met joe and the rest. was pretty caught up with my committee stuff all day long. mixed signals again. i dont know wat i'm doing. am i totally driving him away? sending out negative vibes? arrrgghh. i dunno!

neway then went out fr dinner with misty and another gal pal. lets call her the duckling for now. lolz - thats wat the guys call her usually.haha! anyway, we had a pretty good time actually. weirdly enough, the duckilng knew so much about me - wow. stunning details, which i hardly recall telling anyone. hmmm. wonder how though. hehe anyway. was fun cos fr a change the limelight wasnt all on misty. generally yacking the usual oh what kinda guy u like kinda stuff. usual gurl talk :-p major bitching about other ppl. gossip.haha! good fun i tell you.

its amazing how these days any new party seems to be fun. as in both me and misty prefer going out only if thr's a 3rd party involved. do we really like hanging out with each other anymore? i wonder. though she's always like msging me all the time. weird. will write more about her in a separate post. with the loooong chat session last night, the evening drew to a close. i finished my routine weekend chores and went to bed soon enough, only to be woken up by beautiful rain this morning. i swear, it was just the ultimate wrong day to be raining so nicely. the perfect weather to skip work, and sleep. dream. laze around doing nothing. anyway had to push myself outta bed and get to work. there's hardly anyone here today. makes me feel lazier than ever. the silence here drivin' me mad. gonna take a walk now, laterz

p/s subi and the lot called last night. yay! =)

bugged.

ok this is a reminder that i have to write this whole post about misty and how pissed off i am about her attitude to this whole inetrnship episode. yes, i have heard of post its and all those millionsa other reminder thinguis, trust me, with me, none of them seem to work. so here's a blog update reminder .. and you guys watch this space for some major bitching ;)

Kingdom of Heaven

yep. watched it last night. IMDB rates it really high on its charts and it had Orlando Bloom starring. plus there was nothing better to watch. Options included Chinese film, Divergence , House of Wax, something called Wet Dreams (don't even ask what that was!) .. yeah so this was the most decent sounding movie in town and we decided not to listen to the people who had seen it before, and go make our own opinions. My verdict : the movie was alright. not as fantastic as stated by some of the reviews. not over the top mind blowing stuff. not a Gladiator 2. no way! but fairly passable. you could sit inside watching it throught the 2 hour plus duration of the movie. the crusades have been depicted fairly. the muslims have not been depicted to be horrible man slaughterers like in some other movies. the Christians, they show them as the good god fearing Christians and the good blind faith believing Christians, some to the extent of being fanatics. at the end of it, there seemed to be no right or wrong. my only question being, to make truce, to come round to peace, why war in the first place? why the blood shed? why the killings? had the same realisation that struck saladin after he saw the bodies of his dead people struck him earlier, so much blood would be saved. same goes for the world scenario today. why cant we make peace with each other and live happily? peace.

p/s this movie dint particularly tug at my heart like it did for misty. may be its bcos of my non believing nature. may eb that's why i dint enjoy the warring for jerusalem so much. i found it quite pointless honestly, despite excellent visuals and dialogues. misty was so touched by the movie, she couldnt talk for an hour after it was over. may be the christian in her took over for smtime.

Two years, too late!

yesterday, i met this guy, a frienda mine after a long time. he is a dear friend of mine. i traesure him a lot since the first day i met him. there was a time i used to have some sort of a soft corner for him. the kind ppl call a crush. yeah, so now all that's more or less over and done with. we still hang out quite a lot, and generally have a good time. he's a special guy fr me, and will remain to be. but i defly dun have any of those feelings for him any more. so, yesterday. yesterday we spoke of all the things under the sun we usually chat about. the usual fights, the usual endless arguments, all as usual. then all of a sudden, he started talking about things he knew about me. some of which i'd told him. some i have no clue how he figured. some he had found out himself, i'm guessing. all sorts of details, like my tastes, my music, my fav hang outs and even my birthday! i'm the kinda person who never forgets a friend's birthday. and to me, it matters that ppl who r important to me remember and wish me on my birthday. most times i like spending my birthday with my family and stay out of reach from my friends. it's weird, considering i love to be wished on my birthday. i know its kinda lame, but its a thrill i enjoy every year. may be i'm scared to find out who all would actually remember. what if those ppl i hold so dearly to my heart forget? may be its the fear that makes me want to get away and be with ppl whom i can be totally secure with. anyway, no more digressing. this guy i was talking about. yes. he remembered my birthday. i was thrilled to bits when i realised it. cos i know he usually doesnt remember birthdays. infact, almost never. the kinda guy you have remind and say, 'hey its your mom's birthday, arent you gonna call her?' yeah so he remembered. a small victory dance was playing in my head. really. but again it was weiiiird. cos this time, i felt elated very well, but twas just like what i'd feel if any tom, dick or harry remembered my birthday. there was nothing special about him remembering it. had this come two years back, when i was soooo taken by him. i'd have been on cloud #9. infact, its funny how much closer we've gotten now, well, after i think i'm totally over him. to think there were times i would literally pine to sit around with him chatting the way i do now. and now that i'm doing all of that, it hardly makes me feel anything. it hardly gives me the kinda kick i thought it would give me. two years back. how much things have changed. how much i have changed. all this is coming to me now, when i'm all set to move on with my life. two years too late my dear, two years too late!

Weekends

these days my routines have become more mundane than ever. weekdays are unthinkably boring. weekends i look forward to. every weekend, starting friday evening i hope something happens. something exciting. something big. something that's going to give me a reason to wake up and smile every morning. something like finding true love. something like Joe. something like a whole bunch of good friends. something like partying endlessly. endless, yes this list is endless. however, in reality wat happens weekend after weekend is that i spend most of my friday persuading misty to go out (and not indoors getting bored and miserably bitching about life). then saturday is spent sleeping mostly until the time i accidentally "bump" into ppl in the cafe. spend my saturday afternoon happily chatting, while saturday evening is spent moping around the place if not, i'm out for the latest movie or a drink some place in the city. sundays r fun if i get to chill with frenz at the cafeteria or else i'm having major blues abou it being sunday and how the weekend's almost over! and then come sunday night, i go to bed telling myself, there's going to be a new next weekend come friday, and then something big is going to happen. something exciting. something out of the world. something amazing... i guess i'll never learn!

Monday mornin. Groan!

bleah. monday morning mood. why why why god shd thr be a monday after every sunday! groan. my most awaited event of a monday is usually the time when i update my blogs writing about all that happened in the weekend =) well, i'm just lazing around .. stooooning, so i guess mite as well bring myself sm cheer .. at least thinking about it, as i write about another nice weekend ..

on friday evening last, i was so damn sure my weekend's gonna be so miserable. the ignominy of being forgotten / uninvited for the performance was killing me. totally. i was so mad i could've cried. but when i left work i managed to pick myself up and appear to be composed thru out my committee meeting. after that quite unwillingly dragged my feet down to the coffee shop with misty. it took me some warm brownie and mocha to calm down and think. think to stop being miserable and cry over things that simply arent worth it! so i said, okay to hell with everyone, i'm gonna go all out and have a gd weekend.

well, but again nthn ever works out the way it was planned to be. so in the middle of my friday nite coffee ritual, i get a call saying my boss wants to see me saturday mornin'. first thing sat morning. groan. why me? anyway that meant an abrupt end to my coffee session. so hurried back and prepped up a l'il for the morning's meeting. had to tuck myself into bed quick as well. satday mornin was up and set to meet the boss. only to find out he wudnt be coming, after all. he said a senior would meet me and instruct me anyway. which went off okay, considering the guy dint know too much himself. and gave me no condescending looks when i asked dumb questions. reaaally reeaally dumb questions. guess i can blame the sleepiness. hehe =p

after that there was this entrepreneurship seminar i was to attend. went off alrite, but i din catch mosta wat was going on cos i was just too goddamn sleepie. headed back only to bump into Joe and a couple of other friends at the cafe downstairs. either the sleep or the gals these guys were hanging out.. smth totally put me off. so i dint really bother to stop and chat. instead rushed back up .. only to be greeted by msges from Kris asking me to accompany him for the evening's show. *such a sweet heart*. but then again i was too ashamed to go there after all that had happened. so i made some super lame excuse and talked myself out of it. though deep down i was still feeling so crushed and upset about the whole episode. the only i could get over it was, i thought by sleeping it over. so there came the badly needed 5-6 hours of blissful slumber. i was woken up by a call by an ancient acquaintance who was stopping over here for a holiday. he wanted to meet for dinner. but the bluey state i was in, i had to refuse the guy. poor thing. nt like i really like to hang out with him or anything, but just that i know how terrible it is when old frenz arent free fr ya .. but this was one badly timed dinner invit, i swear!

settled for a quiet dinner and watched some random movie. then finally picked myself up to get working on the darn report. there was no choice but to get down to it and finish it up. so i was at it, wrote a couple of pages, when misty got back from the evening's thing. she was, for once nt terrible. in the sense that she dint make me feel entirely like shit. though she cdnt stop talking about how fantastic she was, and how much she was appreciated in the show. bleah. i couldnt be bothered. kris calling me up in the afternoon had come as a real consolation to me. i was happy he did that. anyway satday night was report time. actually managed to get about a third of report done.

sunday started late. like at 3 pm =p so went down fr brunch at the cafe again. only to meet Kris, Joe and a whole bunch of others. oh my love =) hehe. they were all such darlings. kris *sigh*. Joe *sigh* *sigh* *wistful looks*. hehe. the most awaited moments of my weekend are undoubtedly my one meal i manage to catch Joe .. considering thats the only time i see him. and it's a big chance thing, like thr's no guarantee i'd see him every weekend ... *sigh* anyway meeting him was a good thing yday. made my weekend. helped me stop thinking of all those blue things. yay! afternoon/ evening passed quick and before i knew it, misty had coaxed me into watching another random movie. this time at the cinema. will write about it later. was pretty darn late when we got back and thr i was back the usual, oh no its work again tmr. how much i hate monday mornings! bleah.

p/s my l'il angel was a total sweet heart. my pillar of support thru terrible times. i love my dearie. thanks for being there, always!

grumble grumble

hokay, so what do you do when you have just about one million things to do and have no idea where to start? .. well, i'll tell you .. you come and blog! at least thats what i'm doing .. riite now ... on a more serious note.. hell report not yet done. no where there infact. by right i was supposed to have finished my draft by this time. bull shit. havent quite even gotten beyond the introduction. then everything seems to be happening now. just so fast. my main event .. remember those meetings i used to be off, every week .. yeah, now i'm back at it .. means i'm gonna be doing shit loads of proposal editing, email writing and lots of other such nonsense stuff! aah! tired. then there r a million meetings. i'm just totally in the middle of nowhere right now. too much going on. too little time. too little focus.

aah, yes thats really the problem. my concentration is totally screwed up right now. thinking of too many irrelevant things. like thr was this show thingy tmr. cant rem if i mentioned before. i'm bloody mad at my band manager for not givin me a chance to sing. really really mad. i mean WTF. its not like i suck at it. worse still random other ppl are performing. i guess what hurts me more, is this time misty is in. she aint the typical classical performer. but she's going with a band of her friends. while my own band which i've been loyal to for like 3 friggin years now, royally ditched me. this isnt even the first time this is happening. they just always do this. why still am i loyal to this baskets. i dun understand myself smtimes! dammit. im just furious.

anyway besides that Aze kinda pissed the hell outta me the other day with all his sarcy dripping comments on some write up i'd passed to him. no more door mat treatment. i told him he could fix it if he wants. himself. promptly, i got back a changed font version of the doc i sent him. hullo... gimme a break dude. anyway cdnt care too much about that. have a report to finish by nex week. my boss just tells me they're having an assessment next week @#$%. guess tis a gd thing im free on satday. can get some work done i hope.guilty now. have so much to do. what the hell am i doing blogging. okay, i'm gone bfr i start wallowing myself in self pity.

why do all good things have to come to an end?

the title mus tell u what kinda mood i'm in now. whiny. as usual. hehe. cos the weekend *lovely* is over. and back in office away, moping around. hehe but the last 3 days were awesome! saturday i was at this show, did i tell you about it yet ? seems everyone loved the performance, yay! thsi girl i barely know came up to me yday and complimented me on the singing. oh, i'm so elated =) usually i never take the lead, thanks to major *lack of* confidence issues. this time i had to, and boy! it was a good thing .. though i was stuck singing with this really creepy guy. eeks! but nevertheless, i had a blast. esp now that ppl think it was as good as i felt it was =) *awesome* then came lazy lazy sunday .. and yet another monday. for once, no monday mornin' blues. hehe. watched a couple of movies and sitcoms and generally kept moping around about how i have so much work to do, though never really got down to much business! hehe. typical moi. the much talked of report .. is yet to be started! *sheepish grin* *shrug* there's no stopping me when it comes to whiling away time doing nothing, innit? then there was monday, had this long comm meeting which went off okay. then came the <> part .. yes! i met Joe! oh everytime i see my face lights up. this is love. and i do, i truly do love him. it was so amazing just chatting around yesterday. had been a while he was THAT casual with me. its usually a hi-hello kinda thing, though i'm still happy to even just see him .. but yday was fun, after a real long time .. no cocky attitude, no funny comments, just plain chatty and fun .. Kris came down too, spoke to him a l'il bit as well .. hehe funny though to even think i used to die to see Kris the same way i die for Joe now .. hehe .. but this time, i think its for real .. why doesnt Joe just ask me .. i swear to God, i wont stop to think a minute and will agree to go out with him ... really! *wistful loud sigh* spent the whole day dreamy eyed, besides running soem normal errands.. laundry and clean ups u see .. before i knew, the weekend, the nice long weekend had drawn to a close .. after all, all good things must come to an end, at least, so they say =)

long weekend again ~ yay!

yupz.. may day is a holiday =) aah my much awaited break is here. though have tons of work just piling up. a concert yesterday meant i dint get anything done yday. though the fun was all worth it there ;) a different gang of people, most whom i dun particularly like or hang out with, but managed to have a fairly good time, definitely better than what i'd expected! then came back tounwind with coffee and long chat with geek guy .. he can be such a sweet heart .. spoke of everything under the sun literally .. fun fun .. then yeah, started late this mornin .. had a couple of meetings and have been whiling away time since =D have nthn solid lined up .. have another meeting tmr .. ought to start off on that report smtime ... then need to draft some proposals and stuff ...

oh did i tell you, i spoke to my best friend of 10 years, after a long time today. it was just awesome. things might have changed with both of us. obviously with both of us moving out of town and all that, our lives no longer really revolve around each other, but wow, it was sooo nice to talk to her .. obviously we don't have so much in common to complain about .. or make issues out of small incidents, oh we were so famous for that ;) .. we hardly even speak to each other, long distance calls are rare .. but when we do meet up or talk, it feels so normal .. oh how much i miss my friends .. *nostalgic sigh* .. can't wait to be back home and meet everyone ... a couple of months, and i'll be there .. yay!

meanwhile, life's been okay the last week .. the stress is gonna start now, with all my activities restarting, the report and my internship project going live.. lot of work .. music show comin' again next weekend, i really hope i can take part in it, will feel so terribly crushed otherwise! (yn) .. hope to do smth fun in the weekend, not so sure what though, considering misty seems to be having her own plans .. hmm .. *thinking* .. anywho, lets hope it'll be a fun wkend =) .. ciaoz!