Exposed!

After months of secret blogging suddenly i feel this aint secret anymore, too many ppl know abt my blogging - do they even know where to find my blog? last night i saw a friend peering over to the computer screen while my blog page was open - now, have i been exposed?! are my darkest deepest secrets no longer so dark, well maintained secrets .. oh no! this is not so good .. i mean, you dont want your anonymous online journal to go online to the whole wide world really, would ya?! have changed some settings and whatever l'il i thought would do to help .. lets see =)

Why cant I just keep quiet sometimes .. !

okay okay, have gotten myself into a pickle. last week had been full of confusion and turmoil with regards to this club i'm a member of, kept receiving contradicting information and generally the non-functionaing anarchical state of the club was really getting on my nerve - so when it was friday evening when i had a chance to talk to the entire committee i cdnt hold back anymore - let it all come out in the ope, all my issues i had with the senior authorities of the club, some of whom are my good frenz as well ... obviously in the process i managed to upset and hurt some of their sentiments i'm sure. but this time i felt my outburst was justified. it had been too long, and may be someone had to speak up. the only bad part being i spoke too much! i feel. why cant i just keep my mouth shut sometimes? why cant i hold my horses and keep quiet? may be the rebel in me hadnt surfaced in a long time and this was my chance. though i ended up feeling really miserable after the whole showdown ws over. the head girl was crying (ouch!) .. then i think a couple of others who have heard me "bitch" about the head girl soemtimes wee very taken aback, if not to an extent shocked by my so called betrayal when i actually stayed back to console her, cos at that point come what may, she looked to be in the most vulnerable position with all else ganging up on her, and after all she had been my friend - and stood by me in some of my worst times. even though this was momentary, considering I am already back to bitching about her(less tahn two days after the showdown) that day i felt like i should stand with her, may be she's never going to remember that, may be she'll hate me more for all that i said, may be she will nt listen to one thing i said really, but i thought at least i will know i have tried. now if they dont care, fine i have the right to be indifferent and pissed, dont I? considering I have brought up my issues, if they dont regard them and change certain things, fine then, i have the right to boycott them and stay to myself. well i guess its over now. and once the words are out there's nothing i can do to correct things. lets hope things work out fine. thats all for now. phew - the let go of emotions feels good ... can feel the blood rushing in me!

The doormat logic

Yesterday's dinner was okay - ate good food, shopped a bit (despite warnings from bank accounts and all the astro stuff i read) .. bought that lovely yummy choc cake - simply couldnt resist *blush* .. then watched Ms. Congeniality, for the god-alone-knows-how-many-eth time .. hehe .. that was with Mdm Tee ... when we started off at dinner, she was all cranky and irritable, but things got a bit better later, thankfully. Later in the night a whole bunch of ppl came over to chat up my eva-so-cute-n-pretty roomie =p ... so stayed up talking and chatting about every damn inconsequential thing under the sun, almost all night - obviously meaning woke up crazy late this morning (or was it afternoon ?!) .. hehe .. just now tk my brunch .. (breakfast - lunch ... what did u think=)) ... met Joe finally.. but a bit .. ahem.. quite.. pissed off with him and his silly frenz .. i think i ended up looking ultra needy and my usual pls pls pls tones .. sheesh ! feeling terrible now ... will prob feel tt till i meet him next, god know when thats goin to b! and he gave me his dose of what i hoped he'd never say about how he's in the firm that rejected me .. lets call it XYZ Corp .. he goes all "oh i got work to do cos i'm in XYZ Corp" ... piss off .. i mean not like i dun hv stuff to do and cummon, gimme a break, dont need that kinda treatment! #$%@ .. mighty pissed now thinking about it, but dun wanna let these buggers ruin my weekend for the 2nd time in a row .. now even after seeing him I am in the *bawls**sighz**sobs* state .. shucks!

Now to my doormat logic - yeah, the title mentioned it if you dint see .. basically P and me have this logic about how we both always end up getting treated really shitty, just like doormat - complete push overs .. you know the feeling when you be all nice to ppl and all, they completely use you when they need something and then wash off their hands.. like your were toilet paper or smth! i mean, when you try and be all accommodating and all that, then you make one request and that becomes a big deal .. like small thing - a couple of days back i was out with a friend - she wanted to eat dessert while i wanted my coffee .. i sat with her thruout the time she enjoyed every lick of that dessert, and when it cm to my coffee she begged that i just pack it and have it back in the room .. i mean hullo, WTF?! this is just one silly sample.. but know what its always like that, with every god damned issue ... and know what my problem is .. i think i'm just a bit too nice sometimes, ought to be mean to ppl who're just so mean out there ... same goes fr Joe and his frenz.. they'd die beg and do what not when they need smth, and when i need smth, even after begging/pleading i dont get it ... i mean i HAVE gone all the way out to help some of these ppl, and they just dun recognize it .. sigh .. i hope things change man .. i cant tk this being treated like shit all the time by all .. sigh .. really pissed at the moment ... hope things will somehow change .. pray pray pray ..

Long weekend finally !

Ah with this internship and long days of not so much hard work, i seldom sit down to write entries in this blog, or should i say journal - pretty much become full of those dear diary moments, unless ofcourse its the weekend =) this one being a long weekend - was one weekend i was really waiting for .. oh boy, yes I have caught up with all the sleep i think - been sleeping like a log for over ten - twelve hours everyday! but hell yeah, why else do they call it a weekend =) hmmm went out to this really cool eat out downtown on thursday, totally pigged out there and then went to ice cream shop for the dessert - had this chocolatey ice cream - totally yummy! for once i dint feel all ultra chocolatey and sick after that - loovvveed it ... then came back to watch the new season of the Idol .. haha thats real fun too .. and then slept .. for what felt like for ever =D friday was quite packed with work, and the music jamming ... enjoyed that big time ... and finally watched the movie .. Aviator - I found the movie great for the making and stuff, but kinda weird for my taste .. considering the movies i really love are the nice feel good romantic comedies =p ... but well, this was one movie, if you watch it, must be in the theatre .. so worth it i guess ... tdy's been okay, had a meeting - read as wasted some more time... planning to head out for dinner.. lets see how that goes ... (yn) ... cya when i'm back ...

p/s .. havent met Joe this weekend .. *bawl* *sobz* *sighz*

~ QuieT SaTuRdAy eVeNiNg ~

okay, have to be optimistic now on .. done? alritey then .. yeah tdy's musik session was okay, Kris unlike what i'd hoped, didnt turn up - guessing too busy with other things on .. but met Joe for the 2nd time this yr, he was alrite - not mean or anything, though nothing fantastic either - but still, my hopes r high (as always!) .. Mdm Tee was there, pretty much making sure she does all the talking, and talking about her impending trip to the neighbouring college and all the frenz she had there .. little does she realise that by even just going there she makes herself look so desparate, and this whole needy woman look ... but that's her usual self, so given up now. spending a quiet saturday evening, pretty much with myself - nothing BIG going on or nothing useful to do. But like the peace right now - defly don't mind stirring up the air a bit, but only in a gd way - no unwanted tragedies like last night! hehe. but talking to Pa last night made me feel sooo much better, then catching up with long lost Vicky from home was a delite too =) anyway tmr's my first committee get together, lets hope it goes fine ... and then hopefully a fun evening will follow .. *fingers crossed* ...

p/s ended up going out for coffee finally, after a loooong time - loved the cheese cake and coffee =D

The one with "Hopefully"

Yeah been a long week, pretty packed with work, hectic blah blah and nope havent seen Joe since that day i wrote. sigh. is it what i'm thinking? or am i as usual thinking too much, reading too much in between the lines?! guessing the latter is true. sigh sigh sigh. life's been drab and boring as always! nothing fantastic, work's been piling up.nothing new at all. zilch.
today got jolted completely thanks to two bongos and one nut head. i simply hate that attention seeking busty bong bitch! its like once in a way it strikes you, yeah guys arent frenz, they're looking for those hot bods and slender figures, and obv i stand no chance .. was thinking i'd make good company, guess i dont - not at least for these buggers. oh man. demoralised and upset. i usually dont feel so bad abt myself, defly not bcos of how gd someone is, that too this bitch she aint even good. she's just BIG. bitch! sorry abt the language but man, im pissed! hopefully the start is nt an indication of how the resta my wkend is gonna be! pls pls pretty pls! tmr's my music session, better go well. will be seeing kris hopefully, and HOPEFULLY he's nt gonna mk me feel like shit too ... he was really really sweet the last time i met him at lunch a couple of days back :) darling! anyway too pissed off to write more ... will sign off here, hopefully more and better by tmr ;) toodles!

P/S - Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are separated - wow .. BIG news eh .. am a bit heartbroken for them, just hope that Pitt doesnt go out with angelina jolie - talk of fall in taste!

YeAh, ThE WeeKeNd!

yoz... me back from that afternoon meeting, as predicted it was lovely waste of time :) and yup yup its still raining outside, but i'm not so blue right now, may be meeting joe really changed my mood. i love him. what can i say. though nothing great/exciting/romantic/out of the world happened, just the usual hi-hello-how are you routine before i left for my meeting.but just seeing him brings such a smile to my face, totally lights up my day. i'm out of words to say what i feel - its nt a crush nemore. i love him. this is terrible, moreso cos he's probably no where thinking on ths lines, and he's by far the worst match ever for me and i know it. why why why is this happening?! shit. i dont know what to do. damn!

anyway *quick change of mood before i get all blue* i think i will b taking off for dinner outside, i mean what are weekends for finally?! after all the "hardwork" in the week ;) so gonna waste some time and money, then chill out ... before the start of a fresh week ...

The Night Rain

yup its finally a day whr i can actually stay up late without feeling miserable about having to wake up early and go to work - yeah the past week has been at office - pretty remote place, but i kinda like it there *touch wood* still getting familiar with things there, guessing next week onwards will be starting work as such .. but this has been quite an experience - new ppl, new styles hmm and all the formal clothes .. what can i say ;) ok i know i am nt sounding half as excited as i should, but had woken up at 6 this morning and its 2 now - cummon gimme a brk :-p my eyes r practically shutting off .. hehe .. Mdm Tee and her obsession for that guy is still on. relief being he's going to be gone for a while now. phew. i am actually happy. though i hate her for being so terrible to me these last few days when he was here. now i know what her priorities are, and i shd never give up anything for her she just aint worth it! oh yeah Joe's back in town - yay! havent even met him yet though - can u beat that ?! and he hasnt bothered either. I guess our story is on the downhill :-( - this will be a heartbreak of sorts, and will take me a looong time to heal and get out of. sighhhhhh. but i guess it is time i wake up from this dream of mine, and this imaginary world i live in - kay kay, joe everything is crashing. the rain outside makes me more miserable than ever! ssshhhhheeeeeshhhhh! now im obsessing about joe - oops!

besides that nothing much really - long days at work, dont wanna start off on that again. been spending like a maniacal freak! just bought this peach shirt today =) then have been spending a lot of food - campus feels so much cheaper! have a useless meeting to attend tmr afternoon .. sigh! better sleep off soon then ... taaaa!

BuTTerFLieS AgAiN!

Yupz .. tmr is my first day of work and i'm so worried about how things are going to be .. scary thought, though iam telling myself itz a lot better than the usual grind of lectures and tutorials... hafta be up by 6 in the mornin' .. and look at me, bloggin away :-p anywayz DID manage to go to the temple today, and it was really calm and peaceful. had an early dinner and then shopped for some random cosmetics and things like that. found this really cool lip balm .. i cant stop talking about it :-p rest all some other crazy girly stuff - like a pocket mirror and ankle socks, all lady like to be at work ;-) well talking of which i better sleep riiiite now else i wont wk up in time... laterzzzz....

~ Happy New Year 2005 ~

Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year 2005, along with a thought for the victims of the Tsunami that struck Asia and killed many many thousands of people all over Asia on the 26th of December. May their lives resume normalcy and be blessed with joys they always had =)

as for me .. spent new year's with a different bunch of frenz, ppl i did my high school with .. Mdm Tee had decided to ditch me and leave with new found love, who also happens to be the high school crush she wudnt stop raving about ... i'm happy for her in a way, but it feels bad to see her neglect ol' frenz just cos of one guy who's after all nt even going to be thr, say this time next week. and for all i know, he's just playing it cool with her, a fling for the winter break, and Mdm Tee is all swept off her feet by him ... sigh!

that whole story puts me on a reality check on myself, as to what will happen of me when she manages to find a boy friend for real, where do i go then? hopefully things will work out for Joe and me and we'll be together soon =) i really cant wait for that to happen. though he's been really outta touch for sometime now, and he doesnt seem to be bothered about it ... my usual woes of it all being a figment of my own imagination, thinking up things the way i want to see it ... sighz...

despite that, new year's this time wasnt a let down - without joe, Mdm Tee away, i still managed to have a gd time with my high school frenz and we really were just hanging out and having fun - spent time at the city side countdown and then by the river .. the supper or very early morning snack time was gd fun also =) today , being new year's day, i slept mosta the day owing to the tiredness after all the walking around yday , then went to pray - a bit dissatisfied bcos of the crowd, but telling myself at least i tried. may be if i can i'd go again tmr, lets see.

nex week its end of hols, and bac to work and by work, i mean my internship. kinda nervous about it actually, wonder how its goin to be like. hopefully all will go off well :) *pray*

amidst all this, did i miss out the Tsunami tragedy. it is THE MOST DEPRESSING incident i have heard of in a long time. luckily nothing affected me or my country, we were just saved by the indonesian archipelago .. but its stunning how when i first heard that some 6000 ppl had died i thought THAT was terrible, then i hear now the toll is almost as high as 150,000 - simply appaling. I am still in a state of shock. its just too overwhelming to see women weeping out loud, the whole areas flooded, areas which i knew once, beaches i have been to all flooded and washed away and worse still, being so helpless and tied down and knowing there could one more of those that could completely destroy this entire island, and that it could be coming .. anytime NOW! there's fear, despair and helplessness. to me i feel just a little comforted looking at the kind of aid being given to the ppl by countries world over. I am really touched by the efforts of ppl here - individuals have been contributing in cash and kind, indeed vey generous. the ppl whom i'm in awe of mostly are a couple whom i know as my local guardians, they've actually started a whole new drive to collect and ship clothes and cash to srilanka and india and have been working really hard at it. i'm really touched. all i could do, or rather all i did on my part was to help them out one of the 4 days now that they've been doing this. still feel like i have a long way to go as a human being - to think i'm even whining about Mdm Tee or my new year or Joe .. very self centred s'times! pity!