Empty.

I know its been a long time. Probably the longest I have been away from this space. I wish my excuse could be that I have been so busy doing all these gazillion interesting things and what not. Unfortunately its quite the opposite. Its been a terribly boring few months. 2008 started out looking quite promising, but somehow through the months it just kept going down, down, down. I can't remember when it started the downhill journey, was it May? June? July? It was a blur of miseries piling up and just increasing depression. November seemed as if things would look up after the trip, and I'd be all refreshed. But nope, December brought with it so much angst, so many things to worry about and heaps of loneliness. The loneliest, most boring times of the year were in December. The excuse I told people around me was that all my friends were away in different lands, spending new year with the families and such. Deep inside, I asked myself even if these friends were around, would things be any different, really? Probably not.

The apartment situation was at its worst. Work was not as busy as I would have wished it to be. The friends were just not available. The family was too far away. Everything around me felt like it was crumbling, and it was only my imagination that I was holding it all together. I was not. I was unbelievably depressed - the single tickets for the movies, the packing home subways for dinner, the endless staring into space from a dingy coffee shop where no one really hangs out. Holiday season can be hard for singles trying to live with themselves. Really hard. The year ended on a really low note.

2009. So far it seems like a spill over from 2008. Still miserable, lonely, by myself. Mostly, I'm quite happy spending time with myself, but hey, there's only so much of anyone I can handle. Even of me! The work situation is messy and confusing. But then they say I should only thank my stars I still have a job in this depressing recession. God knows I'm grateful about that. The best friends have their new someones, so everything/everyone else is second grade. I don't blame them really, I'd probably do the same thing. But being on this side of the deal - being forgottten - sucks. Really. The flatmates, well, they're real nice and all that. But sometimes I really wish they just let me be, and tone down a little bit. I'm just not used to being told what to do all the time. And definitely not have someone constantly nag and interfere in my life! I guess the whole set up is less for any friendship, more for convenience. So can we just let that be please?

Then there's the favorite. Time's ticking, and I'm not getting any younger. Yet somehow, I don't take this whole being single thing seriously. I am officially running out of excuses why I'd rather be single. Convincing someone else of something you don't fully believe makes it a hundred times harder. I know deep inside I don't really want to be single. If I had it my way, or for that matter my family had it their way, I'd married off to some hunk in some far away land. And led the perfect life. But look at me now. Not even close. Not even close. And hey, here's 09. One more year older. One more year wilted. I feel like an old hag already! Terribly depressing. Seriously, close to a decade in this place and I am still so unbelievably lonely.

A friend suggested a city change, a change in surroundings can change things a whole lot. I wonder if that would do the trick for me. I wonder if I had the courage to take off, and start over again in a new place. Without my so-called fallbacks. Without my social circle. Without the people I know around. Hey. Wait a minute. Wasn't I just saying there was no one around, and how that was depressing? It seems like my fear of moving is a fear I'm already living with. If only the job scene was looking better. If only I could afford a big move. If only I was not single. If only ...

They say when things hit rock bottom, they can only look up from there. Let's hope 2008 was rock bottom. 2009 had better start looking up ...