Guess what, I'm really tired of being all your punching bags. really, gimme a break ppl!

TV overdose

Yeah, generally wasting time watching a whole lot of TV shows lately. Rightfully, I got to be cramming for those exams, but hell we all know what happens next .. Anyway, so I've been watching a aweful lot of Scrubs, the med sitcom lately, runs and reruns, Scrubs all day. And just today, I watched that episode where Carla (The *hot* latino nurse who's dating Chris Turk .. and Omg, did i just call her *hot*!!) is trying to deal with her problem of always telling people what to do. *gulp* Telling people what to do with their lives. How to deal with their problems. Interfering and poking her nose in her friend's issues. All with a good heart, mind you. But a leetle annoyingly so nevertheless. *double gulp* Do you still not see it people? (For the uninitiated, read post below please)

I'm turning into one of those control freaks. Carla/Monica (Of F.R.I.E.N.D.S) .. Only, I'm not that *HOT* ... yeeeeks. I need help.

For a good night's sleep, if nothing else!

An anonymous comment on this extremely private blog had this message in response to one of my vents recently:

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

The reader believed it was a quote from Mother Teresa. As far as I remember, I had read that on a poster on my roomie's wardrobe, but they prolly forgot to thank Mother Teresa, so never mind that. I digress. Basically, the point of putting that up bold and clear here on front page today, was because I did just that today. And I know, the person in question is an extremely fickle tempered soul who may not even care to say thank you, or remember what happened today. But I did what I had to.

You could, on one hand, call me a push over, call me someone who'll never learn, call me an emotional fool or whatever. On the other hand, you could just call me a good friend. the kind who sticks by her friends when they need her. the kind who doesn't need the friend to spell it out loud that they need help. the kind who won't mind going that extra mile, even if it meant no good night's sleep before that all-so-important assignment.

But you know what, that's what friends do! why else would you have friends, if it were not for times when you could fall back knowing there'd be someone to pick you up and put you back on your two feet? Great friends even manage to prevent you from falling I'd say.

I'm not here to brag about how awesome I am or how superior I feel having reached out. But having lost it completely with this person a few days back, only I know what it took me to go back there, walk down that path again. Knowing fully, that this is a thankless job. And that the person in question has been extremely ungrateful and obnoxious in the past. Yet, I'm the friend. To put that above everything else and reach out, was a big step for me. And having done it, I feel good. Irrespective of what happens tomorrow, this was something I won't regret, cos knowing a friend is miserable and not having reached out wouldn't let me sleep in peace anyway. Call me a leeetle selfish, but hey, who ever said I was Mother Teresa!

Suddenly, I sooo get what they meant when they told me I was too nice and how I was the mother hen of the group... errrr... I'm not very high on the maternal insticnts bit, but I definitely like knocking some sense into ppl's head. and trying to help them get their life in order. now, what's wrong with that?

p.s. The last time something like this happened in my life, I lost an amazing friend. Please God, let history not repeat itself this time!

Whew

Thank heavens. some big blocks cleared up, done with some major assignments and submissions. now if only i can get my lazy ass to start studying. ugh.

Weakling

Sometimes I prefer not being the strongest person in the team. It helps to have a stronger player I can depend on, rather than be the strongest player on board with all the other players looking upto you. As though you can prevent the brewing storm that's going to hit your team. The responsibility and fear of failure scares me sometimes, although more often than not I love being in charge. Paradoxical isn't it? I don't mind taking responsibility for my mistakes, but to have other people depend on you and to deal with the pressure of not letting them down is really something. May be I can't see other people suffer. May be I'm too insecure. May be I underestimate myself too much. But whatever it is, I'd much rather have someone to bank on, and steer the team in difficult times than be that tough cookie on board! After all, team work does mean not having to take all the blame on yourself, doesn't it?!

When 2 + 2 = 5 ...

This isn't an absolutely original post I should admit. But reading some similar thoughts on a friend's journal has forced me to write about it.

To start with, lets take love. Love to me, isn't about the individual parts. It is really about the entirety of the whole thing. The complete package, rather than the sum of the individual elements. Confusing you say? well, it is. Here's the deal. Let's say there's this guy I like. Now guy may be good looking, smart, funny, nerdy whatever. But why I really like would not be for each of these reasons, nor would it be the sum of it all. There's just that something more than the sum of the individual little bits that make this one just so special and adorable. Just that something that this one is love, while the rest are friends or whatever else they are. I mean, hell yeah, i have tons of friends who meet the so called cut for the good looking + smart + nerdy + funny + rich + all the typical requirements combination. But to have that something that makes it beyond this sum total, only he does.

Similarly for experiences, sometimes everything seems to be right, yet you don't come out with feeling great. Just that extra something missing to make it from a "all right" individual elements sum to that perfect great experience you've always wanted!

Forgive me for rambling, but these were just some vague thoughts passing by my cluttered head tonight.

Anger management

I need to do something about these bouts of anger. May be must check my blood pressure. The way I'm losing it and snapping at everyone. Ugh. But some ppl do really annoy me. So now, is it me, or them?

Odd (?!) Combinations and such

Too much coffee + too little sleep = Perfect recipe for an almost dead brain
Group meetings + boring subjects = Perfect excuse to doze off
Rainy weather + lilting tunes = Perfect condition to cuddle up in bed
Too much work + too little time = Nervous breakdown (Or did you hear Blogger.com?)
Case study analysis + sleepy brain = One Lousy interview!
A good friend + long distance phone call = The almost perfect cheer up medicine
A great friend's hug + warmth of a smile = The perfect cheer up technique!
The perfect white shirt + casual blue denims = The sexiest outfit for a guy ;)
Pizza + lots of beer = Lazy saturday night
Sleepy head + time to kill = a lousy lousy post like this!

Hypocrisy unlimited

Before you think i'm going to rant off on another somebody who pissed the shit outta me, let me tell you something, no, this isn't going to be that spicy piece of gossip you came looking for. what this is going to be, however is a rant nevertheless, more self reflecting and blah blah. so feel free to click that close button now :)

and if you're reading this still *meaning, wow, i'm flattered, you're actually interested* here's the scoop .. you know i've been thinking about this quite a bit, and i know i'm such a complete hypocrite sometimes. sometimes i hate it when people get all judgemental, but knowingly or unknowingly i judge people all the time. small things they say and do so completely changes my opinion of them. it amazes me sometimes. then other times, i hate it when girls are all so giggly and flirty with guys, and again, knowingly or unknowingly i do it all the time. all the giggling and leetle bit of flirting and of course the 'oh-so-cute's and 'so sweet's.

funnier still, just the other day i was telling someone how lame it would be to be telling strangers pathetic stories of pathetic crushes you've had, or how i don't particularly appreicate people who put their life on display. and surprisingly enough, i do exactly that. i mean, hello, are you even reading this blog? oh-i'm-so-crazy-abt-him, or omg-i-just-had-the-worst-day, or other random personal vents and rants like that. well, i know my blog is supposed to be my own private space and all that, but for the amount i criticize private ranting on public domain, it makes me wanna throw up to think i'm such a hypocrite, really!

no, i'm not in some sort of overly depressed or suicidal states, and this isn't one of those, oh ive just realised how much i hate myself posts. no, i don't hate myself so much! but i was just thinking about these things and i'm amazed, rather shocked to find out these things about myself. makes me wanna judge myself and feel pathetic about who i am sometimes. but you know what, if you really look at it closely enough, you will see how everyone around seems to be just as pathetic as you are, or as you think you are. everyone seems to be just as hypocritical, and sometimes, may be there's no harm in being someone you don't like to be .. may be sometimes, its a gd idea to give yourself a break and not be all uptight and propah. i guess it's just ok to let go and say what you really feel like once im a while, and of course, to keep flipping between the two sides of the coin is really okay, given you're one of the gemini twins - we're born to be capricious and fickle after all ;)

p.s. the best friend isn't doing so well, prayers pls :) (yn)

Mixed junk

Today's been a helluva hectic day. I hate waking up coz of work related fone calls. especially when its not good news on the other end. today started with some not so good updates on that project i've been working on for what seems like forever! so had scoot off and get things done and basically, twas lousy. but then, just when things seemed to be going back to control, my darling assesor decided to make my life hell. i mean,worse than before that is. so he just said, ok why not just try out this entire new set of tests and 'see' where this takes us .. all this 2 hours before the deadline for the thesis submission, mind you two hours!

and then started the wild goose chase. running around getting things to work, talking to people asking for favors and ofcourse almost losing it with that darling project partner of mine. oh my god it was simply crazy. by the time it ended, it felt unreal. the funny thing being, just last night i was feeling so damn good about having done it all and how i could relax and take life easy today. boy, was i wrong or what?! i guess, now i've really learnt my lesson. so anywayz we dashed to the submission counter seconds before it closed and as i did that, there was one smile that changed everything. and suddenly my day was perfect. it's funny what love can do to people, innit?

on a completely different note, a cousin of mine got engaged yesterday in a fancy shmancy ceremony. and i was just seeing the pics, and the cynic in me couldn't stop criticizing everything that felt so wrong - the false, pretentious setting of the venue, the make up, the attire, the people, the everything! and then came the picture where they exchanged the rings. the look on both their faces, i tell you, it was like that visa card advertisement on TV. absolutely priceless! i guess that's when the cynic in me lost out to the die hard romantic ~

Mr. Garfield says ...

... Good morning is a contradiction in terms :D

Pushed over

I wonder how sometimes, despite being this strong woman people think I am, some people manage to manipulate me so well. Like just a few minutes back, I was happily enjoy a TV show with some pizza and a drink. When she walked in. I excused myself and promised to go over and talk a little since I thought she looked a bit hassled over something. The good friend that I am, I had to go over and make sure she was fine. Now when I did that, suddenly in the middle of our conversation, she opens her project files and starts working. Well well, wasn't I there cos she asked me go over? so what was this about suddenly getting back to work? like i have nothing better to do eh? honestly i was enraged. i have been angry about these things before, but never quite said anything. today I actually told her how I felt and stormed off. I think she mumbled something about feeling stressed all of a sudden. but seriously, gimme a break! nobody treats me like that and gets away with it. and now on, forget it. I shall be busy when you need me too. and you know what, i was trying to be nice after all that's passed, but if you're gonna be the bitch, bring it on!

on a happier note, Joe was a sweet heart again. but he really has me confused. damn, i am letting him win this and i'm quite enjoying it. whatz the matter with me?!

So silence is golden?

I'm a firm believer who believes I'd rather be quiet and suspected a fool than open my mouth and confirm it. Now despite that, I talk. I talk sooo much, and love chatting away endlessly. But yet there are just some people I completely clam up around, and when we're together silence is golden, really.

Take for instance, the good friend you-know-who. invariably, when he's around I end up being so unbelievably quiet - busy fiddling with my phone, sipping on my drink, pretend to be lost in deep thought. Now I don't know if that's whether to guard myself against saying something that I'll hate myself for saying later or just being the typical coy silly girl or just being scared outta my wits to say something stooopid in front of him. Oh well, I know I'm capable of it, sio why take the risk, aye? But even when we're just being all goofy, I kinda enjoy the quiet when I'm with him - gives me a kind of reassurance of being able to hang out with him even if I run out of things to say, and just drifts me away to a world of sweet nothings. *sigh*

Recently, certain developments have put me in an awkward kinda placing with some good friends and talking to them has become so difficult. For someone who talks as much as I do, the silencs are killing me! To think through the things I blabber and make sure they sound polished enough so they don't sound hurtful - wow, thats a lot of thinking to be talking with friends. I wish things weren't as hard with them, I wish they understood how I felt!

Stop messing with my head

Seriously, stop.

You're one riddle I can't solve.

Women's Day etc

This post a bit belated i know, but tis never too late to celebrate, so happy women's day y'all! I'm not much of a feminist really - not that I wouldn't stand up for women's rights etc but never really understood what the hullaboo is all about. But this women's day, as i think about it, i don't really feel like celebrating womanhood and all that's feminine.

Last friday, I was at the local grocery store doing some weekly shopping routine. I know weekends at this particular mall isn't a good time for a single girl to be out shopping. But given my fridge was empty and the gutsy me, I decided I'd go and buy my stuff. After all, this is a safe country and the mall is a huge public shopping area and all that. And I was right, to the extent that nothing terrible happened. I was there shopping and doing my thing as it were, quite oblivious to everything and everyone around me. When it came to queueing up at the cashier's point was when i looked up. and choked. there I was standing with what felt like a million of these unbelievably cheap and creepy men. all staring. right into me. as if they saw through me! disgusting i tell you. i've never felt so disgusted. and overwhelmed.

I've been in a relatively safe country for a long time now, and never feel threatened just cos i'm a girl. the times i do feel a little uncomfortable are my visits to certain dingy areas downtown, but i make sure i drag a couple of my guy friends so i dont feel so overwhelmed by guys staring and pushing you around unncessarily. but last friday, i was right here in the local mall, all alone, feeling choked. i quickly just looked down, paid my bill and just rushed straight back. feeling dirty. disgusted and so mad. never have i felt that angry. so angry i could cry. if looks kill kill, all of them, mind you, all of them would be burning in hell today. but despite all the rage, there i was a helpless young girl, walking away as fast as i can not letting those tears well up and flow.

why, oh why do these people have to be so disgusting? why the lecherous stares and the cringe-inducing noises? why why why?

I've got a ton of guy friends i hang out with, classmates and neighborhood boys too. and it scares me to think that these guys could behave like that with some other girl, given that kind of circumstances. what ever happens to the innocent boys? why does testosterone screw them up so much?! why on earth can't we women just be able to walk around safely, doing our own thing? why cant these males just mind their own bloody business?

the worst part is really how most of us are relegated to writing about it in online anonymity or in our secret personal diaries with all these stories untold and making no impact to anyone really. definitely not teaching any of those stalkers and rapists any lesson. for those who do decide to voice out the injustice that's been done to them, the society damns them and condemns them saying it's just all their fault. or comes up with solutions like marrying off the victim to the rapist. worse still, i've heard people justify rape saying, oh she was dressed so skimpily. she just asked for it. what the .... ?!

this women's day i wonder how many of the abused women have actually come out and told the world what happened to them? how many of those bastards actually got punished? and when i looked up the numbers, its a disheartening thought. and i don't feel so "yay! i'm a woman, happy women's day y'all" kinda feeling. i feel highly upset and angry. more than anything, i feel absolutely pathetic to think there's hardly anything i could do to change this. really.

just some thoughts

An extremely irrelevant ad on TV got me thinking. If you're life were to be a movie, what would it be like?

for someone who likes and enjoys being happy so much as me, i'm upset and miserable way too much ~

and finally, the cliched classic - don't cry for anyone, someone who makes you cry simply isn't worth your tears ...

p.s. this post seems to have a sad ring to it. wasn't quite meant to be that way. i'm still cheerie and happy *touch wood* just random pondering over nothings cos i was utterly bored ~

I don't know ..

It's been one helluva see-saw week. Good news, slogging away with the thesis, the eventual submission and blissful slumber that followed, could it get any more perfect, i wondered. Truth is, i've had my fun, i had some people i could jump around with, but the people i really want to share this happiness and peace with are just so far away. for some its the miles, for others the thoughts.

the former, there's technology trying to bridge the gap. i was completely overwhelmed when my grandma called me from some 3000 miles just to hear the happiness in my voice. completely moving, i swear. the parents and sis have always been there. well, almost. and this time too, the miracle called internet and the boon called overseas phone calls were well used :) Doctor dear was a sweet heart. sometimes I wonder why he loves me so much? even after the things i've said and done. may be, he's just a really wonderful person or may be i'm just such a darling *blush and gag* .. hehe .. modesty definitely isn't my middle name, aye?

the latter. the ones who are so far away, its the mental distances i'm talking about. they're right here, almost few steps away, yet just seem oblivious to my happiness. may be the admission aint so pleasant to them. but it hurts to not have a friend to share with when you want to share. not to have a friend you really want to celebrate with. but this time, i shall be more forgiving given the situation. so, this too shall pass and be forgotten. Nothing new really, given the complete push over i am .. anyway this is a not-so-nice story for another day, okay?

Joe, in the meanwhile, has disappeared from the face of the earth - thanks for asking .. hehe .. anyway, here's why i call it a totally see-saw week .. almost everything has gone perfectly as had been hoped and planned. despite that, its almost like an anti-climax. the ecstasy has worn off too soon, the mundaneness of it all is taking over too soon. now, my friend Mr. Time, how about holding on a little bit and giving me sometime to enjoy my moments?

Thank you

7th March was a happy day. after a long time, i breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. like, really smiled. not a wrinkle of worry on my face. and i liked the feeling. and i owe Him one. and my family. for praying this works the way it did. i'm a relieved person today, really. thank you and yipppeee ~~

For the dreamer ..

Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

Good friends, good times

I spent the evening with a bunch of good friends last night. the kind whom i could prolly never call best friends, but they're kinda always there for me when i need them. they're not quite the call-anytime-if-you-wanna-talk kinda friends (the types i'd said i don't have really, a couple of posts back), but they're just a whole buncha fun ppl to hang out with when you're stresses/bored/upset etc. yeah, so as we sat there fooling around, playing pranks, and generally gossipping away, i realised how much i'm gonna miss that kinda fun in ten weeks or so from now .. i love my friends, and boy, i'm so gonna miss them and all the good times we've spent together ..

afterthought - i secretly hope they too miss me once we don't see each other as much .. sigh ..

Faith etc.

Sometimes people are really nice. restoring my faith in humanity, my assessor for my project obliged to give me some extra time to hand up my work. phew. sigh of relief. but they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. so i very conveniently, came back and slept the day. while original plan was to slog my ass off on that thesis. i'm incorrigible. i swear =p

A long hard day. A cheesy dinner and a long walk next to the woods. Depressed for no good reason. Complained and vented frustrations to a friend. As we spoke, realisation struck. Four long years here, and not even a bunch of good friends to hang out with - anytime, anywhere. No 4am buddies you can call just cos you can't sleep. No midnight gang you just meet and chat up, just cos you felt like it. No group of ppl to go out with on a saturday night, for a stress relieving break.

Four long years and no real good friends. Suddenly, I don't feel so good.