The last single girl

Been a while here, yes I know.

After a long time yesterday we were out for a girls night out. Tee, Miss Victoria's secret and me. It was lovely catching up over a quietish dinner at an Italian alfresco restaurant - warm bruschetta for starter. Great wood fired pizza followed by Banana milk-ice cream shake for dessert. Divine. Along with the dinner was a lot of conversation, very interesting conversations about nostalgia and of course, the future. As we proceeded to talk about future plans and where we see things going ala Sex and the City, it slowly dawned on me that of us 3, or for that matter of my girl friends' circle, I was probably, no wait, definitely, the only girl still single. The only relationshipless boyfriendless girl, still clutching on to the company of her gal pals to eat fine dinners, and make travel plans. And somehow I don't like what I see. Things need to change, I need to make them change. If only it was easier done than said ..

In other news, work has continued to drive me mad. Suddenly I feel like my dedication and efforts on the job are futile and unrecognised. So I feel like a lost lamb, not knowing what I can do to change the work situation, where to direct all the energy. I spent 3 years working my arse off spending all my active energy to this job! And without feeling as motivated to work on this job, I feel really directionless. You know how they say an idle mind's a devil's workshop. In an attempt to not think about work issues, I surf news channels. And its all depressing news going around. Making me think about things I dont really want to think about. And making me completely miserable. Pull-my-hair -out type miserable. Things really need to sort themselves out (given I cannot seem to be able to do much myself!). Prayers please?

The Bridge lesson

Heard in a movie watched today -

Sometimes in life the hardest thing is to know which bridge to cross and which one to burn.

Interesting, methinks.

In other news, it was a super busy saturday - a doctor appointment, immigration paper work, quick lunch, long coffee, movie, elaborate dinner, massive shopping spree interspersed with a lot of conversation. Some of which I might regret in the future, but today it seemed perfectly normal to share with a girl who seems like a nice friend :)

I'll never learn, I guess.

So where have I been?

You may ask.

Mostly, at work. No, seriously. Most of the last three to four months or may be even more than that, have been spent working. Toiling ridiculously hard. Some of that sweat paid off, and something I had been hoping for and whining about for the last 6 months, finally happened. But it brought along was a whole lot of people issues and politics that I was not sure I could manage. And needless to say, lots more stress, lots more pressure, lots more covering the field. And, little if not no help from people around. Means. Later nights at work, much harder work, and obviously more bouts of grumpy, unhappy self! Not cool.

Moving onto the thin wafer of so-called social life. There are these bunch of friends I hang out with. The more I hang out with them the more I feel I dont belong with them anymore. I mean, look at them all getting on with their lives, and me? Doing nothing cool. Not knowing hot women, and not being one does not help one bit. There are times when I barge my way in quite shamelessly, but sometimes its annoying. Its irritating how people make use of you when they need you and leave you high and dry when their purpose has been fulfilled. Take for example the friend who always had time for dinner. Who always knew what I was upto. Ever since the girlfriend has come on the scene, he has no time for this old pal. Hey, busy with xxx today, mind catching up tommorrow? Seriously? You were the same person who came 30 miles to see me for 10 minutes the day before you flew off on that business trip last year, just because you wouldnt get to hang out for the next few weeks! Now, I cannot remember the last time we did a hang out minus her. If you're thinking oh no, now she's going to confess that she loves this guy. Hold that thought. No. I am not in love with this guy. Never was, and dont think will ever be. Just annoyed at how things change, friendships change, and how sometimes people you believed will always be there for you don't show up when you need them the most. I've had this friend for the last, lets say, ten years now. We've been fairly close, I've always been there for her - through the high school exams, first crushes, traumatic heart breaks, family issues, you name it. Heard hours of I-hate-being-single and my-life-sucks stories with no complaints whatsoever. Then we had to make some choices, and when it came to making them quite innocently I assumed her decisions would feature my happiness. Boy, could I have been more wrong? She seemed to be perfectly fine moving on and changing lanes, and I was left high and dry again. Over time, I thought I'll be better than holding something like this against our years of friendship and figured I'll let go. Especially knowing that she was going through a total rough patch in so many ways. We went back to being friends, me being the stupid old me, doling out useful boyfriend advise, study tips and what not. The past week has been sheer madness for both of us. Me trying to calm her down from her rants and bouts of tears and depression and all that drama. Yesterday was D Day. And luckily for her, things turned out really well. I'm thrilled for her, yes. But even as I just congratulated her, it stung me to believe she was busy making celebration plans minus moi. At the risk of sounding like a gilted lover, I have to say, I feel hurt. And completely let down. And deep down I know that should there be, god forbid, a time when I need her to stand by me as my pillar of strength, she wont be there. And knowing that just hurts. Why, and by that I mean, WHY am I so stupid? Why do I let silly people, silly things affect me and hurt me so much? God alone knows.

In other news I have a nice long vacation coming up soon. Can't wait for that. Although that comes with a pinch of salt, dreading conversations about the future and what direction my life should take. If only I had all the answers! I guess for now I will only look forward to some respite from all the work, and all the cynicism and just try and enjoy the anticipation of a holiday and the hopefully, the holiday itself :)

Tommorrow may be a big day, do pray things turn out fine please!

Cheers.

I need something to snap me out of this depression.

Prayers please? Pretty please?

P.S. Just a few minutes after I first posted this, I read something that made me realise the value of the things I still have. Ever so often, we seem to need a reminder. Of the things we need to be thankful for.

Empty.

I know its been a long time. Probably the longest I have been away from this space. I wish my excuse could be that I have been so busy doing all these gazillion interesting things and what not. Unfortunately its quite the opposite. Its been a terribly boring few months. 2008 started out looking quite promising, but somehow through the months it just kept going down, down, down. I can't remember when it started the downhill journey, was it May? June? July? It was a blur of miseries piling up and just increasing depression. November seemed as if things would look up after the trip, and I'd be all refreshed. But nope, December brought with it so much angst, so many things to worry about and heaps of loneliness. The loneliest, most boring times of the year were in December. The excuse I told people around me was that all my friends were away in different lands, spending new year with the families and such. Deep inside, I asked myself even if these friends were around, would things be any different, really? Probably not.

The apartment situation was at its worst. Work was not as busy as I would have wished it to be. The friends were just not available. The family was too far away. Everything around me felt like it was crumbling, and it was only my imagination that I was holding it all together. I was not. I was unbelievably depressed - the single tickets for the movies, the packing home subways for dinner, the endless staring into space from a dingy coffee shop where no one really hangs out. Holiday season can be hard for singles trying to live with themselves. Really hard. The year ended on a really low note.

2009. So far it seems like a spill over from 2008. Still miserable, lonely, by myself. Mostly, I'm quite happy spending time with myself, but hey, there's only so much of anyone I can handle. Even of me! The work situation is messy and confusing. But then they say I should only thank my stars I still have a job in this depressing recession. God knows I'm grateful about that. The best friends have their new someones, so everything/everyone else is second grade. I don't blame them really, I'd probably do the same thing. But being on this side of the deal - being forgottten - sucks. Really. The flatmates, well, they're real nice and all that. But sometimes I really wish they just let me be, and tone down a little bit. I'm just not used to being told what to do all the time. And definitely not have someone constantly nag and interfere in my life! I guess the whole set up is less for any friendship, more for convenience. So can we just let that be please?

Then there's the favorite. Time's ticking, and I'm not getting any younger. Yet somehow, I don't take this whole being single thing seriously. I am officially running out of excuses why I'd rather be single. Convincing someone else of something you don't fully believe makes it a hundred times harder. I know deep inside I don't really want to be single. If I had it my way, or for that matter my family had it their way, I'd married off to some hunk in some far away land. And led the perfect life. But look at me now. Not even close. Not even close. And hey, here's 09. One more year older. One more year wilted. I feel like an old hag already! Terribly depressing. Seriously, close to a decade in this place and I am still so unbelievably lonely.

A friend suggested a city change, a change in surroundings can change things a whole lot. I wonder if that would do the trick for me. I wonder if I had the courage to take off, and start over again in a new place. Without my so-called fallbacks. Without my social circle. Without the people I know around. Hey. Wait a minute. Wasn't I just saying there was no one around, and how that was depressing? It seems like my fear of moving is a fear I'm already living with. If only the job scene was looking better. If only I could afford a big move. If only I was not single. If only ...

They say when things hit rock bottom, they can only look up from there. Let's hope 2008 was rock bottom. 2009 had better start looking up ...

Word for the day

Main Entry: disillusion
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): dis·il·lu·sioned;
Meaning: to cause to lose naive faith and trust

Over

For a long time I had wondered how this would feel like. Now, I know. It feels Nothing.

And so saying, I can finally move on.

Afterthought: To think it took me four long years to figure this out!

Comfort zone. Future. Other random thoughts

It has been an unsettling few days. Few weeks, perhaps. Many people close to me are leaving town to move on ahead in life. changing lanes - personal lives, careers what not. As I feel terrible about not having them around, be it a lunch mate or a next door neighbor and the pangs of how much I will miss them hits me, what really scares me is a question I have been dodging for a long time now. What next? Where is my life going, really? I wish the answers were simple. There are so many possibilities. So many places on the globe. And yet somehow, I like this status-quo situation. I am tucked away in my comfort zone not really trying to make any changes to this. Much as I want things to change. Be it my personal life or my career. Which makes me wonder about the future. What will I be doing, how long before the next big move, if at all there is going to be such a big move? I wish there was one correct answer. And finding that answer wouldn't be as hard as it seems today.

On a slightly different note, it's amazing how people can influence you so much over such a short period of time. How close you can get to people, without really realising how much things will change if they aren't around. And suddenly when the change happens, it hits you like a thunderstorm. Even after many years of changing schools, friends groups, room mates and school mates, I am still learning to cope with change better. You will be missed. Terribly.