Green with "envy"

sheesh. i hate myself for feeling this way. but i am sooo J! i'm so envious of Joe. he just always gets his way. gets everything he wants (admitting he deserves most of it is another issue altogether!). but hell, you know i wanted this so bad. may be i wouldn't feel this way if i had gotten mine before. dammit. the same thing happened with this internship as well - though, now in retrospect, i'm quite happy with what i got, and may be i wouldn't be able to handle the slogging (though it'd be so great to work with that team!). sigh! (they say everytime a woman sighs, she loses five years of her life, believe that?!) oh man! now i really hope i get my vote today as well, and things can settle. otherwise it is going to be more issues, more heart breaks and tears .. and i'm so done with crying. pls, let me get this one ..

at this very moment i feel like i'm a horrible person. i can't be happy for my friend who's just one more step closer to his dream. someone i believe i truly love. do i, really? if i cant even be glad for him?! worse still, i'm so full of envy now, i think no one would feel this way even about enemies, forget such good pals. oh, why am i like this s'times? can i not hate, pls? i always believe hate is just so extreme. i believe i cant hate. what is happening here? *karizma feels so lost*